From one mom to another mom...

I have been really debating of blogging more and more.  I love to reach out to other moms, and hear their heart and their soul, and their daily trials and joys.  So, here go's a new journey for me. If you are reading this, please comment and share your blog if you have one, if not, let's just connect!

What are your greatest joys being a mom? What are your greatest fears? What do you feel you can share with other moms? What does your day look like?

So, transitioning to a little about this last year.  Yup, I'm totally random. 

When our daughter was about to turn 5, my hubby and i realized that we would have to make some decisions about school. Wow, that came fast! 5 years seems an eternity until you have kids, then life is a blur. I had no peace in my heart about sending her to public school. Before you start throwing the "crazy, uncivilized, weird, public school hater" stones at me, let me clarify some things.  1) I don't hate public school  2)My kiddos are socialized 3) They don't live in a bubble, not allowed to go anywhere. ;)  My hubby and I just felt lead to teach our kiddos from home. If there comes a time where it isn't working, we will discuss other options. Anyhow, this is the second year i have done it, and it was more stressful then last year, but joining a co-op this year helped immensely. 

I think i learned more about myself this year. My patience with my kiddos should never depend on how they are behaving. I need to be patient with them regardless of how they behave. Yikes, that one is tough on me!   It's an every day prayer issue for me. So if you think of it, can you pray for me in that?  

Home school moms... what do you use? What do you love/hate about home schooling? 

Welp, that's it for today.  Have a great Wednesday!

I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but i sure feel like a failure so many times and days as a mom. And i don't say that to hear "no, you are amazing, you are great" compliments. I say that to be honest. Uug, my patience runs thin, and my kindness to my kids is most certainly challenged from day to day. I am praying that i can love them more and find patience in Him, from day to day.

My mom and i saw "mom's night out" on Mother's Day. I found my self related to much of what the main character said.  She had said at one point to her hubby, "I dreamed of this!" "And yet, i feel unhappy." I couldn't help but cry. I cried, because, i related to her (she was referring to dreaming about being a stay at home mom, and wife, and loving it, but feeling so out of it.)
Oh, i love being home with my kids. I couldn't imagine leaving them to go to a job outside of home. And i'm not dissing those who have to do that. I was blessed with the option of staying home, and having photography on the side to help with money, and also billing out for the company i worked for for years before kids.  I am blessed in that area. It helps with the bills, and fun things in life.  But, there are times when i feel like, what's the point? Why am i here? Am i making a difference? Do my kids know i really do love them, even though i fail so many times? But then there is this whisper in my head. GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, GOD'S GRACE!!!! And then i can rest. But i don't use that as an excuse to continue in my failures, only as motivation to move on and learn. I pray my kids forgive my shortcomings, and that they know i would die for them. That i will "behavior modify" them, not for me to look good, but for them to realize that life isn't how we want it to go, and that there are certain things we have to do (behaviorally) whether we want to or not. That is not my first goal, because i would love them to know Christ first, and foremost. I will preach Him to them, but i can not force it on them.  So i pray, way less then i should!
This post is so random and all over the place, but it's my heart tonight. Sorry for the ramble.
Just my heart out there on the "inter webs".

Just a peice of my heart lately...

It's been a long time since I have posted on this blog. In fact, I didn't even know I still had it! I felt the desire to start it up again, more or less as just something to journal on.  As you can see by this pic, we added another little addition to our family. Nathaniel Haddon Hartzler.  He was born December 23rd, 2011. He was our little miracle baby. Jon had been diagnosed with a disease called Ankylosis Spondylitis (AS). It's a disease that attacks his immune system essentially.  It makes his body think it's always sick, so he gets horrible joint pain and that has the potential of making his spine curve. When he was diagnosed they wanted him on meds right away, but said if we wanted more children we needed to do it quickly because the meds would make that impossible. The dr. gave us four months. We tried and tried, no baby.  In the meantime, my brother had told him to try this non inflammation diet that would help with his joint pain. Well, it did help him a lot! The four months were up and the dr. wanted him on meds. We weren't pregnant, but Jon felt like he could hold off a little longer. The dr. agreed.  We ended up pregnant with Nathaniel a few weeks after that.  I was so excited yet now that I look back, I went into complete denial that my husband had a disease.  We were finishing our basement before he was born, so Jon would come home and go straight to work. It was hard on us and the kids.  Nate was born, and unfortunately, I went into a deep depression. Which 1) I didn't even believe existed 2) I felt like it was wrong to feel that way, or need any help as a Christian 3)  Didn't want to admit it. 

 

 

 

I was terrified to talk to people, my close friends, and found myself not even being able to get out of bed. I didn't know why i was alive, and I woke up one night apparently and said I didn't know why i was alive. That was when Jon took me to see my Dr.  He said exactly what I was feeling inside. "Kristin, I know that you feel guilty for feeling this way. You are thinking, i have a great life, an amazing husband, three great children, and yet I can't help but cry every day, and struggle to get out of bed." I couldn't believe it. He had nailed it on the head. I just cried. God really showed me my pre judgment over things like post pardon depression. I thought it didn't exist, and it was nothing.  Well, it was something, and it was ugly.  I'm thankful my hubby saw it, and took me in, because i wouldn't  have myself. It took me almost a year and a half after that to finally feel like myself again. But when i did, it felt like all the clouds parted, and i could see clearly again.  Jon's disease continued to progress, and I just didn't know how to admit that it would only get worse and not better. Until recently. We may be facing something else, but at this point, we are taking it day by day.

Until next time.....

Thankful for being able to rest in Him

I went to bed last night thinking of my children, as i usually do, but this night was different. I had such a heavy desire to pray even more that God would save my baby's. I thought of what Mia would be like as a young lady, would she be easily transformed for this world, or would she have a broken and soft spirit towards God. Would Gabriel be a man of God, desiring only Him? I went to bed a little burdened, and woke up at 3 am with a heavy heart to just pray for them. I have sometimes a fairy tale image of life, which isn't always a bad thing, but oh oh how i as every parent want not only the best for my children but most of all, i want to see their faces in Heaven. Oh how i love them, it's so burned in me how much i love my children. Tonight in our women's study, we talked about"letting go" of our little ones to the Lord, and the question was asked is it hard to do. Since i'm a mom of only 18 months i know that i haven't really had to let go of them in a lot of situations.What i do have to let go of , is the fact that i really actually do not have control over their lives, God does. That is something i CAN rest in!

What makes a good marriage?

The other night Jon and i were talking about marriage, and what makes you happy in marriage. Jon had read an article that in a poll, it said that older men are more happy then women in general. I said that it didn't suprize me because typically speaking, women seem to be more discontent in life in general. Not all women, and not all the time. But if we are honest with oursleves, we've probably fallen into that catergory more then once. It always seems to me that for one men can get over disagreements with someone alot faster then women can. I admire that in men. In my personal experience, i can say that i feel more cut and hurt if something is said about me, or done to me, whereas my hubby will be upset for a few days, but can generally forgive and move on. So we were talking about that, and i said, you know if i just didn't hold on to hurts, and let more go, even in our marriage it would make it even that much more happier. Maybe i am way off, and everyone is different, but for me it was a new found moment for me. Right now in particular, we are going through a little trial, not on our marriage, but something we are dealing with together. It has made me a little edgy, and unfair. Last Saturday he had asked about something, and i just blew up. I felt so guilty inside for yelling, and so sad about it. But everything inside of me did not want to apologize. But i swallowed my pride and came to him and told him i was wrong and to forgive me. But i was still so mad at myself because i dont know why it's so hard to do these things. To swallow pride! Grrr on me!
Anyways, no marriage is perfect, and we all struggle in some area, but i guess we are all a work in progress right!
I was just wondering your thoughts and advice on what makes a good marriage.

The birth of our son, Gabriel Thomas

Gabriel Thomas was born to us July 19th, 2009 at 11:26 a.m. He came out screaming and healthy. We were scheduled for a c section on the 28th of July, but i went into labor Saturday night, and went to the hospital Sunday morning. I was having contractions every two minutes, only 1 cm dialated. But he was ready to come! Dr. neuhoff and Dr. Forsyth delivered him, and were so great the whole time. They talked to me through the whole thing, cracked jokes, and just made me feel as comfortable as they could. I can't tell you how thankful i am that God keeps blessing us with safe deliveries with doctors who care!! I wish i didn't have to have c sections, they are not fun to recover from, but i'm thankful that it's the safest way for me and the baby, and we have that option! This recovery has been much harder then the first for some reason. Could be because it has only been a year since i had the first c section, i'm not sure, but i'm thankful for my family who has helped me out emensely! Jon's mom is coming out here in a couple of weeks, and i'm so greatful!

As bad as it sounds, the one thing i feared my whole pregnancy was could i love this baby as much as i love Mia?? Will I be able to give them both the attention they need? The night after i gave birth to Gabe, i cried and prayed that i would have the strength I needed to take care of two baby's!! BUt i have to say, one look at Gabe, to hear his cry when he came out, and to hold him and nurse him, I had no more worries about loving him!! It's hard to watch the news any more because of how negative it is, and how scary you think of the world my children will be growing up in. And all i want to do is protect them from all of the bad things, and want them to be safe!! So thankful i can put these fears and worries at the Lord's feet.

I have to also say how thankful i am for my husband. He is an amazing father, and an amazing husband. I'm so thankful that it is He that gave me to raise our family with! It's not always perfect, and we get edgy with eachother, but we always make it through! I am deeply blessed!