I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but i sure feel like a failure so many times and days as a mom. And i don't say that to hear "no, you are amazing, you are great" compliments. I say that to be honest. Uug, my patience runs thin, and my kindness to my kids is most certainly challenged from day to day. I am praying that i can love them more and find patience in Him, from day to day.

My mom and i saw "mom's night out" on Mother's Day. I found my self related to much of what the main character said.  She had said at one point to her hubby, "I dreamed of this!" "And yet, i feel unhappy." I couldn't help but cry. I cried, because, i related to her (she was referring to dreaming about being a stay at home mom, and wife, and loving it, but feeling so out of it.)
Oh, i love being home with my kids. I couldn't imagine leaving them to go to a job outside of home. And i'm not dissing those who have to do that. I was blessed with the option of staying home, and having photography on the side to help with money, and also billing out for the company i worked for for years before kids.  I am blessed in that area. It helps with the bills, and fun things in life.  But, there are times when i feel like, what's the point? Why am i here? Am i making a difference? Do my kids know i really do love them, even though i fail so many times? But then there is this whisper in my head. GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, GOD'S GRACE!!!! And then i can rest. But i don't use that as an excuse to continue in my failures, only as motivation to move on and learn. I pray my kids forgive my shortcomings, and that they know i would die for them. That i will "behavior modify" them, not for me to look good, but for them to realize that life isn't how we want it to go, and that there are certain things we have to do (behaviorally) whether we want to or not. That is not my first goal, because i would love them to know Christ first, and foremost. I will preach Him to them, but i can not force it on them.  So i pray, way less then i should!
This post is so random and all over the place, but it's my heart tonight. Sorry for the ramble.
Just my heart out there on the "inter webs".

Just a peice of my heart lately...

It's been a long time since I have posted on this blog. In fact, I didn't even know I still had it! I felt the desire to start it up again, more or less as just something to journal on.  As you can see by this pic, we added another little addition to our family. Nathaniel Haddon Hartzler.  He was born December 23rd, 2011. He was our little miracle baby. Jon had been diagnosed with a disease called Ankylosis Spondylitis (AS). It's a disease that attacks his immune system essentially.  It makes his body think it's always sick, so he gets horrible joint pain and that has the potential of making his spine curve. When he was diagnosed they wanted him on meds right away, but said if we wanted more children we needed to do it quickly because the meds would make that impossible. The dr. gave us four months. We tried and tried, no baby.  In the meantime, my brother had told him to try this non inflammation diet that would help with his joint pain. Well, it did help him a lot! The four months were up and the dr. wanted him on meds. We weren't pregnant, but Jon felt like he could hold off a little longer. The dr. agreed.  We ended up pregnant with Nathaniel a few weeks after that.  I was so excited yet now that I look back, I went into complete denial that my husband had a disease.  We were finishing our basement before he was born, so Jon would come home and go straight to work. It was hard on us and the kids.  Nate was born, and unfortunately, I went into a deep depression. Which 1) I didn't even believe existed 2) I felt like it was wrong to feel that way, or need any help as a Christian 3)  Didn't want to admit it. 

 

 

 

I was terrified to talk to people, my close friends, and found myself not even being able to get out of bed. I didn't know why i was alive, and I woke up one night apparently and said I didn't know why i was alive. That was when Jon took me to see my Dr.  He said exactly what I was feeling inside. "Kristin, I know that you feel guilty for feeling this way. You are thinking, i have a great life, an amazing husband, three great children, and yet I can't help but cry every day, and struggle to get out of bed." I couldn't believe it. He had nailed it on the head. I just cried. God really showed me my pre judgment over things like post pardon depression. I thought it didn't exist, and it was nothing.  Well, it was something, and it was ugly.  I'm thankful my hubby saw it, and took me in, because i wouldn't  have myself. It took me almost a year and a half after that to finally feel like myself again. But when i did, it felt like all the clouds parted, and i could see clearly again.  Jon's disease continued to progress, and I just didn't know how to admit that it would only get worse and not better. Until recently. We may be facing something else, but at this point, we are taking it day by day.

Until next time.....