From one mom to another mom...

I have been really debating of blogging more and more.  I love to reach out to other moms, and hear their heart and their soul, and their daily trials and joys.  So, here go's a new journey for me. If you are reading this, please comment and share your blog if you have one, if not, let's just connect!

What are your greatest joys being a mom? What are your greatest fears? What do you feel you can share with other moms? What does your day look like?

So, transitioning to a little about this last year.  Yup, I'm totally random. 

When our daughter was about to turn 5, my hubby and i realized that we would have to make some decisions about school. Wow, that came fast! 5 years seems an eternity until you have kids, then life is a blur. I had no peace in my heart about sending her to public school. Before you start throwing the "crazy, uncivilized, weird, public school hater" stones at me, let me clarify some things.  1) I don't hate public school  2)My kiddos are socialized 3) They don't live in a bubble, not allowed to go anywhere. ;)  My hubby and I just felt lead to teach our kiddos from home. If there comes a time where it isn't working, we will discuss other options. Anyhow, this is the second year i have done it, and it was more stressful then last year, but joining a co-op this year helped immensely. 

I think i learned more about myself this year. My patience with my kiddos should never depend on how they are behaving. I need to be patient with them regardless of how they behave. Yikes, that one is tough on me!   It's an every day prayer issue for me. So if you think of it, can you pray for me in that?  

Home school moms... what do you use? What do you love/hate about home schooling? 

Welp, that's it for today.  Have a great Wednesday!

I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, but i sure feel like a failure so many times and days as a mom. And i don't say that to hear "no, you are amazing, you are great" compliments. I say that to be honest. Uug, my patience runs thin, and my kindness to my kids is most certainly challenged from day to day. I am praying that i can love them more and find patience in Him, from day to day.

My mom and i saw "mom's night out" on Mother's Day. I found my self related to much of what the main character said.  She had said at one point to her hubby, "I dreamed of this!" "And yet, i feel unhappy." I couldn't help but cry. I cried, because, i related to her (she was referring to dreaming about being a stay at home mom, and wife, and loving it, but feeling so out of it.)
Oh, i love being home with my kids. I couldn't imagine leaving them to go to a job outside of home. And i'm not dissing those who have to do that. I was blessed with the option of staying home, and having photography on the side to help with money, and also billing out for the company i worked for for years before kids.  I am blessed in that area. It helps with the bills, and fun things in life.  But, there are times when i feel like, what's the point? Why am i here? Am i making a difference? Do my kids know i really do love them, even though i fail so many times? But then there is this whisper in my head. GRACE, GRACE, GRACE, GOD'S GRACE!!!! And then i can rest. But i don't use that as an excuse to continue in my failures, only as motivation to move on and learn. I pray my kids forgive my shortcomings, and that they know i would die for them. That i will "behavior modify" them, not for me to look good, but for them to realize that life isn't how we want it to go, and that there are certain things we have to do (behaviorally) whether we want to or not. That is not my first goal, because i would love them to know Christ first, and foremost. I will preach Him to them, but i can not force it on them.  So i pray, way less then i should!
This post is so random and all over the place, but it's my heart tonight. Sorry for the ramble.
Just my heart out there on the "inter webs".

Just a peice of my heart lately...

It's been a long time since I have posted on this blog. In fact, I didn't even know I still had it! I felt the desire to start it up again, more or less as just something to journal on.  As you can see by this pic, we added another little addition to our family. Nathaniel Haddon Hartzler.  He was born December 23rd, 2011. He was our little miracle baby. Jon had been diagnosed with a disease called Ankylosis Spondylitis (AS). It's a disease that attacks his immune system essentially.  It makes his body think it's always sick, so he gets horrible joint pain and that has the potential of making his spine curve. When he was diagnosed they wanted him on meds right away, but said if we wanted more children we needed to do it quickly because the meds would make that impossible. The dr. gave us four months. We tried and tried, no baby.  In the meantime, my brother had told him to try this non inflammation diet that would help with his joint pain. Well, it did help him a lot! The four months were up and the dr. wanted him on meds. We weren't pregnant, but Jon felt like he could hold off a little longer. The dr. agreed.  We ended up pregnant with Nathaniel a few weeks after that.  I was so excited yet now that I look back, I went into complete denial that my husband had a disease.  We were finishing our basement before he was born, so Jon would come home and go straight to work. It was hard on us and the kids.  Nate was born, and unfortunately, I went into a deep depression. Which 1) I didn't even believe existed 2) I felt like it was wrong to feel that way, or need any help as a Christian 3)  Didn't want to admit it. 

 

 

 

I was terrified to talk to people, my close friends, and found myself not even being able to get out of bed. I didn't know why i was alive, and I woke up one night apparently and said I didn't know why i was alive. That was when Jon took me to see my Dr.  He said exactly what I was feeling inside. "Kristin, I know that you feel guilty for feeling this way. You are thinking, i have a great life, an amazing husband, three great children, and yet I can't help but cry every day, and struggle to get out of bed." I couldn't believe it. He had nailed it on the head. I just cried. God really showed me my pre judgment over things like post pardon depression. I thought it didn't exist, and it was nothing.  Well, it was something, and it was ugly.  I'm thankful my hubby saw it, and took me in, because i wouldn't  have myself. It took me almost a year and a half after that to finally feel like myself again. But when i did, it felt like all the clouds parted, and i could see clearly again.  Jon's disease continued to progress, and I just didn't know how to admit that it would only get worse and not better. Until recently. We may be facing something else, but at this point, we are taking it day by day.

Until next time.....

Thankful for being able to rest in Him

I went to bed last night thinking of my children, as i usually do, but this night was different. I had such a heavy desire to pray even more that God would save my baby's. I thought of what Mia would be like as a young lady, would she be easily transformed for this world, or would she have a broken and soft spirit towards God. Would Gabriel be a man of God, desiring only Him? I went to bed a little burdened, and woke up at 3 am with a heavy heart to just pray for them. I have sometimes a fairy tale image of life, which isn't always a bad thing, but oh oh how i as every parent want not only the best for my children but most of all, i want to see their faces in Heaven. Oh how i love them, it's so burned in me how much i love my children. Tonight in our women's study, we talked about"letting go" of our little ones to the Lord, and the question was asked is it hard to do. Since i'm a mom of only 18 months i know that i haven't really had to let go of them in a lot of situations.What i do have to let go of , is the fact that i really actually do not have control over their lives, God does. That is something i CAN rest in!

What makes a good marriage?

The other night Jon and i were talking about marriage, and what makes you happy in marriage. Jon had read an article that in a poll, it said that older men are more happy then women in general. I said that it didn't suprize me because typically speaking, women seem to be more discontent in life in general. Not all women, and not all the time. But if we are honest with oursleves, we've probably fallen into that catergory more then once. It always seems to me that for one men can get over disagreements with someone alot faster then women can. I admire that in men. In my personal experience, i can say that i feel more cut and hurt if something is said about me, or done to me, whereas my hubby will be upset for a few days, but can generally forgive and move on. So we were talking about that, and i said, you know if i just didn't hold on to hurts, and let more go, even in our marriage it would make it even that much more happier. Maybe i am way off, and everyone is different, but for me it was a new found moment for me. Right now in particular, we are going through a little trial, not on our marriage, but something we are dealing with together. It has made me a little edgy, and unfair. Last Saturday he had asked about something, and i just blew up. I felt so guilty inside for yelling, and so sad about it. But everything inside of me did not want to apologize. But i swallowed my pride and came to him and told him i was wrong and to forgive me. But i was still so mad at myself because i dont know why it's so hard to do these things. To swallow pride! Grrr on me!
Anyways, no marriage is perfect, and we all struggle in some area, but i guess we are all a work in progress right!
I was just wondering your thoughts and advice on what makes a good marriage.

The birth of our son, Gabriel Thomas

Gabriel Thomas was born to us July 19th, 2009 at 11:26 a.m. He came out screaming and healthy. We were scheduled for a c section on the 28th of July, but i went into labor Saturday night, and went to the hospital Sunday morning. I was having contractions every two minutes, only 1 cm dialated. But he was ready to come! Dr. neuhoff and Dr. Forsyth delivered him, and were so great the whole time. They talked to me through the whole thing, cracked jokes, and just made me feel as comfortable as they could. I can't tell you how thankful i am that God keeps blessing us with safe deliveries with doctors who care!! I wish i didn't have to have c sections, they are not fun to recover from, but i'm thankful that it's the safest way for me and the baby, and we have that option! This recovery has been much harder then the first for some reason. Could be because it has only been a year since i had the first c section, i'm not sure, but i'm thankful for my family who has helped me out emensely! Jon's mom is coming out here in a couple of weeks, and i'm so greatful!

As bad as it sounds, the one thing i feared my whole pregnancy was could i love this baby as much as i love Mia?? Will I be able to give them both the attention they need? The night after i gave birth to Gabe, i cried and prayed that i would have the strength I needed to take care of two baby's!! BUt i have to say, one look at Gabe, to hear his cry when he came out, and to hold him and nurse him, I had no more worries about loving him!! It's hard to watch the news any more because of how negative it is, and how scary you think of the world my children will be growing up in. And all i want to do is protect them from all of the bad things, and want them to be safe!! So thankful i can put these fears and worries at the Lord's feet.

I have to also say how thankful i am for my husband. He is an amazing father, and an amazing husband. I'm so thankful that it is He that gave me to raise our family with! It's not always perfect, and we get edgy with eachother, but we always make it through! I am deeply blessed!

What i get asked frequently...

Since we have found out that we were having a boy, we have been asked multiple times, "So now that you have one of each, are you done now?" And honestly the first time i was asked that, i was taken back. Not because i was angered by the question, but because I was surprised. It really never crossed either Jon's or my mind that we had to have one of each. We both said to eachother from the beginning, whatever God gives us, we are thankful and Here's why I say that. I have met some women who 1) can't get pregnant, has been told that they will never have children, 2) Got pregnant but lost the baby, 3) took them years to get pregnant. I see the pain they go through, and the heartache it is for them. And i thought, wow some women can get pregnant at a blink of an eye. When we were trying to get pregnant with Mia, it took what seemed to us a very long time. Not nearly the amount of time it takes these women i have mentioned. We were told it would be a slight possibility that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant, and Jon and I had decided from the very beginning that we would only go to a certain point if it came to that. But alas, everything is in God's timing, not mine, and Mia came. And then the biggest surprise, junior!! I hadn't really planned on having them so close together, so i was a little overwhelmed by the idea at first!! But then i felt very ashamed of myself!!! The women who can't get pregnant at all came to my mind, and i felt deep guilt inside!! So I thanked the Lord for allowing this, and prayed for the women who can't have children, to comfort their souls. I guess my point in this is to say that whatever sex of the baby's God blesses us with, or how many, I think we have so much to be thankful for. What humbles me out of all of this, is the responsibility in raising these little ones how God wants us to raise them. The other night, as i was putting Mia to bed, I thought to myself, I don't think I could love her any more!!! Then the thought hit me, that that was just a fraction of how God feels about me, and how UNDESERVING I am of that love. I wish i could raise my children with perfection, with never letting my anger take the best of me, teaching them all things in love and humility, like Christ has for me! Never being inconsistent, being able to say " I will never leave you, nor forsake you" and knowing for sure you can keep that promise! Thankfully though, I can tell my children that that is a promise the Lord gives HIS children, and you can count on that!

Springtime....

Mia loves her wagon, and loves to ride outside in it!!!

She has started to really grow up fast!!! She has three teeth now, that started only a month ago!! She stands up on her own, she claps her hands, and when the dogs bark, she makes a sound that is her version of dogs barking. When i take showers in the morning, and get ready for the day, she sits in her little purple chair and reads books waiting for me to be done! She loves to laugh and play with us, but she does have quite a temper already, and we are working on it!! LOL, long road ahead on that! She gives kisses, and has a smile that would melt any one's heart!!!

I am reading a book called parenting isn't for cowards. Very convicting!!! It talks alot about why we discipline are children, or i should say why we should discipline our children, and when to start, backing it up with scripture all the way. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that our children would not only be well behaved children that our fun to be around, but that God would save them, because I know I can't.

What surprises me is how sin nature sets in so quickly and even the most adorable smile can't change that. Then i think of my own heart, and my sin. I'm trying to teach my one year old things that i struggle with!!!!

Is there such a thing as burnt out?

Just wondering if as a christian your allowed to feel "burnt out". Makes me feel guilty just typing the words. Being pregnant with our second child, I have to admit i'm way more scared then i was when i was pregnant with Mia. These horrible thoughts come to mind, "Will i be a good mom to two of them?" "Am I a good mom to Mia?" "Do I nurture her the way i should every day?" "Will this baby get enough attention?" Always second guessing myself.
Also i've learned that you really shouldn't say that you will 'NEVER' do something, those words always bite you in the bunda. =)

There is so much negative news when you turn on the T.V., and frankly some days i can't help but feel scared to be under the leadership of this President we have now. He is such a Godless, and scary man. I fear for my children, even though i know i shouldn't. Even as Christians, we can be so faithless, and cowardly. Why is that?

It's been a while......

Awww , it has been a while since i posted anything. Poor Little Baby Hartzler number two. It's been hectic lately. We found out a month ago we are having a baby boy, which is exciting for us. He is healthy and kicks alot!!! I love that though because i know everything is OK. This pregnancy has been great, I really am thankful.

We recently sold our home, which was kind of sad but God's will for us. We will be moving into our new home within the week. It has three bedrooms on one floor, which we are grateful for!

Mia turns one May 4Th, which is unbelievable!! I can't believe how fast time go's. She is crawling, and standing up, and "talking" so much. She is a blast to be around. I am so blessed and thankful to be at home with her.
Being a mom is very humbling, and keeps me on my toes. But I love it!
I can't wait to see what our little son will be like, his personality, traits, etc...

House wife...

I was contemplating some things today, as i was in the midst of feeling like puking!! Lots of think time, when you feel immobile, lol. There are so many women that i admire and respect, and thank God for as examples of being Godly wives and Godly mothers. I often feel i fail in many of these aspects. I do feel blessed that i have such a great husband that i probably don't tell him enough how much i love him and respect him. But today i was thinking, am i spending my days the way i should be as a mother, and wife, and "house wife". This thought always plagues me for some reason, and i always feel burdened by this. I never expected to have that feeling of lonliness creep up on me during the day, but it does and it suprized me! Just something i was thinking of today.

The second baby H

We are very excited to go down the "baby" road again. I think our doctor's reaction was the funniest part. He was quite excited! Jon and i were just talking about how thankful we are that we have a doctor that doesn't do unnecessary procedures, and that he is safe. If you think about how many things can go wrong, you are putting alot of trust into someone to deliver your baby healthy! Anyways, we are excited. We're pretty sure the baby is due in July, and i'm excited for that month. What a huge surprize and blessing! We are very thankful! AFter trying for so long with Mia and getting this baby so fast, it keeps us in awe of God's blessings!

We are expecting baby number two, sometime in July, we will know soon dates and all that!!!

The Root of Bitterness.....

(I had to put a pic of Mia in to melt hearts, lol)

Today i was burdened by some one's hatred towards someone i love. It angers me, saddens me, and i don't understand it. The bible tells us something very important. "if your brother offends you, GO TO THEM". Does that mean hate them for years on end, to gossip about it to your friend and family? Pretty sure it doesn't. This is what gets me the most, this person went to her and said " i am so sorry if i have hurt you, i love you." And yet there is a grudge there that will never end. And it trickles to other people also. How as "Christians" can you justify treating people like this, and continue to hate so much? I love how we as humans take certain parts of the bible, obey it, and take others and not apply it to our lives. But we sure can crucify others for not following it. And how can you "witness", or "preach", when you have anger, bitterness, hatred towards someone. The bible is clear that you are NOT to take communion, if you have this in your heart. I"m not saying i haven't struggled with this myself. But i have learned in a very hard way, it's a dangerous road to hate, loath, and be bitter towards someone. And even if you go to that person, and their reaction isn't what you wanted, at least you did what God expects of you. I believe that fights and anger, and animosity comes from OUR OWN HEART'S PRIDE. Pride. God commands us to love each other, yes that means confrontation sometimes, and crying over hurt feelings, but then to GET OVER IT. Even if the other person isn't sorry. I feel i have been wronged many times by people who call themselves Christians. I learned not to harbour it in my heart, because in the long run, i was suffering more from it, and sinning by keeping that anger in my heart. I know i have hurt others also, and i continue to pray that my heart is tender towards those who come to me, and tell me i have done wrong, so that i may have reconciliation with my fellow brother/sister in Christ. This has been on my heart for so long, because i see it all way too much.

Thank you

I just wanted to thank Julie for her great verse, and Lovely for her great comment, also Hanna, sorry i don't get to them sooner!! I agree God is in control! Yet i just get disgusted by this world sometimes! I hope you all are well, and thank you so much for visiting and commenting on our blog!

Pro choice = murder

It angers me that People can look at a baby and say that they aren't a life until birth. Mia was a baby the day i conceived her, not at birth. BUt somehow, liberal mentality says it's ok to kill a baby in the womb, whenever a woman feels she needs to. Yeah lets justify murder for your own selfish desires. I don't understand why anyone would want to kill their baby. Obama is a very dangerous man, and his thinking is so unbiblical, and people are so ignorant to think that he is the answer to this country. I fear what may come, i fear my safety, i fear my daughter's future if this man is elected our President.

Reflections from a year ago.

Well I have been up since four this morning. For some reason i couldn' sleep, I had alot on my mind. One of them was Christmas a year ago. Jon and i decided this year that we woudn't be buying presents for eachother this year. We know that shouldn't be the focus of Christmas, and i really want to have the right focus this year. But i've had so many blessings and gifts this year already. I posted some of my favorite memories of last year's Christmas. Decorating my home for Christmas is so much fun for me, and one tradition i can't wait to share with Mia. Last Christmas i was about four months pregnant with her, so i posted a pic of me pregnant with her. My Aunt Lorraine had bought me a christmas ornament and put an ultrasound picture of her in the frame, and i loved it. I had such a great pregnancy with her, i was so blessed. I loved being pregnant. Last Christmas was also the first Christmas i had made dinner for all my family, and i had so much fun making the turkey, and everything to go with it, and decorating the table, lighting candles, christmas music, oh it was so much fun. I will do those same things this year, but for some great reason, i was really struck with the question in my head, "why do i love christmas so much"? I am guilty of getting caught up in the glimmer and glam of Christmas, which i don't think is wrong to have fun with, but i'm guilty of sometimes let it take over of what the true meaning is. This time of year is always my favorite, starting in October, the crisp fall air, leaves, of course decorating for fall, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas, i just absolutely love this time of year. It's so comforting and warm, nostalgic. But it's not for everyone. I know i'm all over the place in this blog, but i guess i just hope to focus more on Jesus' birth this Christmas, and thankful for the gift of Mia this year, and a great husband who truly loves me and lets me stay at home with her!!

Greatful indeed.

A Friend told me she was pregnant today. I was filled with excitement, but then extreme sadness because she said she would terminate the pregnancy if they found out the baby had downs syndrome or anything else wrong. It just made me so sick inside and so sad. How could someone do that? It's a baby, it's life, it's a miracle. As i drove home from dinner, i was thanking God again for my little bundle of love in my backseat. Her smiles, and coo's and babbling make my day. She rolled over for the first time this week and it might as well been getting a million bucks, we were so proud. Funny how the littlest things your baby does makes your whole day! When i look at her sleeping or smiling at me, I think of the verse "you formed my inward parts, you covered me in my mother's womb" . Mia wasn't an accident, or a "fetus". She was formed in the image of God. She was formed for me to raise. She is "mine" for a short while. I am so in love with being a mom!!! I pray for this new life growing inside my friend, and pray so hard that she will keep this life growing inside!!!

punkin with pumpkins

We took Mia to the pumpkin patch, and she had a blast. SHe tried to eat all the pumpkins, and played with them. IT was quite the photo op, as you can see i had a blast with pictures, good times.